"We are going to die here."
This is what I usually say when in my 5th hour of standing at the deli line in Market Basket (aka, "The 7th Circle of Hell").
Granted, this is NOT a condemnation of the new Market Basket grocery store in Salem. Generally speaking, it's nice and clean and has food that I eat. I would like it better if the food was free, but since that only appears to happen during lootings I'm pretty okay with the prices they have.
No. This is not specifically an issue with Market Basket but more of an issue I have with grocery stores in general regarding the one area of the store we HATE to HAVE to go to:
The deli.
Here is how a typical visit to the deli goes:
1) Walk up an aisle, approaching the deli.
2) The deli comes into view
3) A sea of people stands before you. Some of them are clamoring to get a better view of the honey ham. If it's a Saturday, this resembles the scene in "World War Z" when the zombies are climbing all over each other in Israel.
4) Make your way to the deli "number ticket dispenser."
5) Pull a number.
6) Realize that you have just pulled the symbol for 'infinity'
7) Pull another number.
8) "97"
9) Look at the deli number display.
10) Oh. Awesome. They're on number '3.'
I always find this odd because there is always always always 43 people standing behind the counter helping people. The problem is that everyone ordering lunchmeat and cheese happens to be doing so in 1/3 pound increments, like this:
"I'd like 1/3 a pound of luncheon loaf."
"Anything else?"
"3 slices of ham. Sliced VERY THIN."
*5 minutes later the deli guys shows the woman a slice of ham*
"How's this?"
"Too thin."
*another slice*
"How's that?"
"Too thick. In between the two."
*another slice*
"How's this, ma'am?"
"You know? I'm just going to buy hot dogs."
Also, no matter WHAT you order, they always have to go out back to get another one.
"I'll have 1/2 lb of honey ham."
*looks around*
"Do you mind waiting while I go out back and get another one?"
"Ugh. Never mind. Virginia ham is fine."
*looks around*
"I'll have to get one of those, too."
"OHMYGOD then just get me any type of ham you have right there."
"Yes sir."
*hands me package*
"Um. This is turkey."
It's at this point you have a decision to make. You either decide to make camp for 3 hours and stick it out or take your chances and go venture through the store. One day I'm going to go into the store with a pop-up tent, pull a number, look at it, set up my tent right next to the sub rolls and start making S'mores.
My God. I love S'mores.
But more often than not I will take off and do some shopping. Keeping a VERY CLOSE EYE on the number display so I don't miss my turn.
And THIS?
This is why I'm writing this post. Because other people take off and go shopping as well...BUT...
This happened to me this past weekend:
I pulled number 31. The number display said '17.'
"Ugh."
Realizing that I had several items close by to get, I bolted off.
Cereal? CHECK. Pop Tarts? CHECK. Chips? CHECK. Cookies? CHECK. Find number for nutritionist? ON MY TO DO LIST.
Each time, I'd run back to the deli to check the number to see if they were getting close.
25.
Okay. I'm not going to risk it.
So I stood there for a few minutes..waiting for people to re-order and order and tell the deli people to re-slice and 'it was fine to go get a ham' (are you KIDDING ME?).
26. 27.
Then it happened:
"28?"
*no answer*
"28?...no? 29?...29?....last call for 29. 30?"
"I'm 30," said a man next to me.
YAY! I was next! Hooray for the people who left!
Someone else finished their order. I was next.
"31?"
I raised my hand when it happened.
"I'm 28."
WHAT?!?
Some woman came from the nether regions of the store and CUT ME with her OLD NUMBER.
Can you do that?!? MY HAND WAS UP AND..
"..and I'm 29."
ANOTHER ONE?! YES. Another woman came from somewhere else and proclaimed that SHE was 29.
There I was, ready to go. Ready to order. And these people who had obviously wandered off had come back and just..just...JUST CUT ME IN LINE.
I was furious. So now instead of being next, I was third in line. I was third in line because these people didn't have the decency to either stick around or get a new number. By the way, YES I have missed my turn BUT in the interest of NOT doing what was just done to me, I've pulled a new one.
Is it just me? Am I the only one who thinks it isn't fair that someone comes back with an OLD number and takes your spot? It's like when Tom Hanks was in Castaway and lost on the island for YEARS AND YEARS and then comes back and OHMYGOD HE'S ALIVE but now some guy lives in his house because, you know, his wife needed some somethin' somethin' and he didn't have his job any more because everyone thought he was dead. And Tom? Tom ACCEPTED IT.
If "Castaway" was about a guy lost in the cereal aisle, he'd be able to come back and claim what was rightfully his. Doesn't matter if people thought he was dead or not. Job? Ah. My chair is still comfy. House? Yep, I'm living in it again. Wife? Get out, buddy. I was just looking for Cocoa Pebbles. Yeah, yeah you love her but seriously it just took me a little longer to find the Post Cereal section.
Am I right or am I wrong?
You snooze you lose. You're not around when you're number is called? TOUGH PATOOTIES, buddy. It's MY turn. You weren't here. To the back of the line with you.
It is my turn to shine. My turn to get my honey ham.
You know, once they get a new one from out back.
